A Father

I have a Father about whom I do not worry with regards to His constancy in my life, but when it comes to brothers I have ample room for doubt and discouragement when I view their so-called service to God. I do not judge other than that with which I am allowed in the scripture which states that the fruit a person bears is a sure sign of the condition of the heart. The fruit I been witness to in the past two or three years has for the most part resulted in unbridled Godlessness and hatred amongst those who claim to be heading for heaven together. Somehow, that doesn't quite engage with my understanding of the Word and I'm afraid many will be disappointed in that day when the Lord reappears wreaking vengeance on those who have mocked His name.

Do you ever wonder, "why me?"

I do. Often. I also wonder how much I can take before my whole being just totally unwraps and winds up in a pile of rags on the floor. At what point does God allow me to defend myself, or does He? Am I supposed to take everything that comes my way in the belief that it will make me a better, more tolerant person? Well, newsflash: it is not working. I am struggling with feelings that are so hateful and rancid that I'm astounded that they are within me. Is that God's plan? Teach me how to deal with putrid thoughts of the heart by letting my heart be filled with them and then seeing how long before I break? I've really got to come up with some answers because the consequences of getting this wrong are bad, very bad.

New Year often fails to live up to its hype

New year's came and went with me mired in misery and worry over the thing that should bring the greatest joy into my life: my relationship with Jesus and my Brethren. Once more I find myself at war with the brethren because of the rumors and lies they are perpetuating at my expense. I doubt that more than one or two of them actually know the truth of why they feel compelled to destroy what we have worked so hard to establish, but they apparently inflamed the passions of many by means of secret meetings, whispered conversations and telephone calls - none of which I was aware. Five days in the hospital and a 30 day heart study hopefully will not reveal any problems. I am becoming very discouraged with this Christian walk, simply because of the company we're often thrown together with on the journey.