Do you ever wonder, "why me?"

I do. Often. I also wonder how much I can take before my whole being just totally unwraps and winds up in a pile of rags on the floor. At what point does God allow me to defend myself, or does He? Am I supposed to take everything that comes my way in the belief that it will make me a better, more tolerant person? Well, newsflash: it is not working. I am struggling with feelings that are so hateful and rancid that I'm astounded that they are within me. Is that God's plan? Teach me how to deal with putrid thoughts of the heart by letting my heart be filled with them and then seeing how long before I break? I've really got to come up with some answers because the consequences of getting this wrong are bad, very bad.